Ignorance is bliss ... or the answer to happiness

Some people ride the wave of life without questioning it or trying to change it. They take the good and the bad and that’s that. Some people get thrown onto the wave and, unhappy with the way it feels, gets off it and try to understand how it works, how it thinks and if they can predict it to make their ride that little more pleasant.

I am one of those people who couldn’t wait to get off – the wave I mean, the wave; you people have such dirty minds! ;-) And in consequences, spent many years trying to figure out what was going on in my head, trying to understand why I feel the way I do, what made me become who I am, learning from the bad and growing from the good … and all that nonsense.

A friend of mine came over to visit during the festive season and, as we’re having a discussion on this subject, he said that, basically, I was a) over analysing every single thing and b) constantly complaining about the same things over and over. I know, in some level, he’s right. I mean, after seeing a range of therapists, counsellors and psychoanalysts, I’m pretty good at pin pointing feelings, emotions and triggers in my behaviour. A little like Scrooge, I visited the ghost of my Christmas past, present and future. I have analysed my past, my present and the things I fear from my future. Today, I am extremely clued on about everything that goes on in my mind and in my heart.

The problem I now face is one that never occurred to me: It is not helping!!! When you get to a certain stage in your life, is it too much to want to understand everything, is it expecting too much to constantly trying to understand why you feel the way you do, why you’re struggling so much emotionally. When you work with children – like I do – you try to teach them ways to deal with their feelings by voicing them and identifying them and not suppressing them.

But could suppressing them be the answer to happiness? This friend of mine, just turned 40, he’s content with his life. He has a job he doesn’t really like nor enjoy, but he makes enough money to make it worth him getting up in the morning. He lives with his parents, which makes his life extremely easy. He doesn’t really want to bother with relationships because, he says, it’s too much hard work and hassle – although he went out with me… so I can see how he might think that now lol.

Truth is, today, I wonder whether he’s got it right. I mean, should just expecting very little from the world or from life, is the answer to a happy balanced time on this Earth? Trying to figure everything out is just messing with your head. The problem is, once you’ve done that, once you’ve taken that path of self discovery, there’s no going back. You can’t say: “well, this is just how it is”, without trying to change it for something you believe might be better.

So what about those who do take that path? How do you live your life and get passed it? How do you not let it hold you back? It’s taking me time to stop looking at the past and blame others for what’s going on in my life. I know people who don’t believe that your experience as a child or as a teenager affects who you become as an adult. But you have to move on and after a while, take responsibility for the way your life is going.

And so, that means my life is what I make of it. But if my life doesn’t make me happy, and is a constant struggle, have I made the wrong choices? Should I trust myself to carry on? Or should I do like some of my friends who settled for less. A little less love, less heartache, less happiness, fearing that this, might be their only chance at what they imagined their life to be?

I know so many people in this kind of situations: unsatisfying relationship to have the children they have dreamed about for years; pretending to be someone they’re not to “bag” the person they think they should be with; ignoring each other’s needs so long as the outside front is kept up… I hear those in couples shouting at me that relationships aren’t easy; that they require sacrifices and compromises; that having never lived with anyone myself, I should reserve my judgment.

In reality, I understand and sometimes even envy those who have made that choice. I find being by myself the single hardest thing to deal with, day in and day out. Is it a choice? Yes and no. Yes, as I am choosing not to settle, and no, as the few I have met who I felt a possible contender ended up turning me down. So why do I do it? Why do I stay single and not settle?

Because of that little part of me who constantly, persistently and increasingly will not let me give up on those dreams, on these ideas I have about my life, what I want to achieve and where I want it to go. Maybe I’m just a dreamer and that’s what my life will be, chasing the dream without ever getting there. Maybe I’m just lonely and maybe I’m getting old and maybe I should just stop talking nonsense and get back to work… Maybe I think I’ll do that.

Personal pleasure

I admit having shocked, scared and stunned quite a few people over the last few years, as I came to know my sexual self better. For reasons I still can’t quite understand, that side of me has really taken a life and a voice of its own. And it has led astray one of my friend onto the wicked path along with me. Not that she is complaining that is… And nor is her partner ;-). So the question this really comes down to is this: Do men really do it more often … than me?

I shamelessly admit that personal pleasure is a regular activity of mine. And let me tell you, most single women who deny engaging in this fabulous pass time are blooming liars. Come on girls, let’s be honest, even if it’s just through a soft nod of acknowledgement, you enjoy it just as much as I do.

But then, I think this is bringing us back to the female revolution and our ability to be honest and frank – although probably no as much as I – about our sexual habits.

It might be a good time to clarify that I was a late comer to the pleasure of the flesh – with other people that is - and in consequence, was more than ready to explore it further … God, I sound like a nymphomaniac... I am NOT, don’t listen to a thing Ash says! I'm just really open about everything in my life, which I know scare a few people - men especially - away. But I can't change this side of who I am, I like her too much.

I guess this is where I blatantly confess using feminism to my advantage. I’ve always though that openness makes for greater sexual experience and have always been very honest with my partners. How can one be expected to know exactly what makes the other tick if you never ask? Unfortunately, this is where I tend to forget men have feelings and hangs up too… But I’m working on it.

As I discovered the joys and delights of being a sexually independent woman, I also found out more about the world of adult themed toys. A new fascination was born. I have always been aware that sex sells, but there was a brand new take on the expression. At first, it was mostly as a joke that I bought my first adult toy.

But, being single and in my early 30s – peak of the woman’s sexual appetite apparently, let’s just hope it never dies! – I soon discovered the additional benefits of having electrical appliances that didn’t have to be kept in the kitchen. For a start – and please, dear male friends, don’t take it personally – I won every time!!! What else could a girl want, I ask you? Oh yes, I hear you, they won’t keep you warm at night you cry, and I totally agree with you, but so far, I haven’t yet met the one who will kick my little box right out of my bedroom…       

An acquired taste.

Being a legal alien for over 15 yrs in the UK, to use Bowie's genius term, I had to adapt to many things. Being originally French, it shook up my system a bit: the language, the routine, the driving, the social calendar...

Amongst these many changes, one has been a surprisingly long process. I now like Salt and Vinegar crisps!!! Thinking back, I can tell you it took me a year to try carrot cake, 3 years to get a taste for baked beans (although I still can't eat them just heated up as most of you do, I have to cook them for longer and add spices...), 7 years to get my head round to eating cheese cake and, as I have just found out, 15 years to start enjoying salt and vinegar crisps. Of course, there still are a few typical English dishes I just can't get my taste buds round...

Who came up with the idea of putting vinegar on chips? Seriously... who did? ... Because I need to sit him down and have a little one to one discussion with him. Wasting perfectly good chips like that is unforgivable. I can't steal my friends' when they drown them in that tangy juice! What about the fact that the country's favourite dish is curry!!! And that's just the beginning of my rant... what about jelly, trifle, custard, spotted dick, bread and butter pudding ( now that's just a lazy alternative to desert ) ...

I have to admit, during my first year in London, I found food a real challenge. But, as time past, I became more and more british - my dad does keep saying he's lost his daughter to the enemy ;-) - so either I am developing a taste for your twist on food or I am destroying my palet.

I could go on and on ... but that wouldn't be fair, because there are also plenty of dishes I have discovered since moving to this country which, even if I am a little fussy on how they are served, I actually really enjoy such as scones and jam & clotted cream ( try them toasted ... fabulous) or those Yorkshire pudding you get with your Sunday roast. Or even bangers and mash, especially with red onion and red wine gravy.

One thing that really scares me though, is how much the american food industry and culture is invading this little island. It's a shame we can't find pride in our own food culture and keep the americans from infecting us with their food habits. Wait ... did I just say WE? Guess my dad was finally right, I have been turned...

City or Country Life? Part 1

As I was driving home today, this thought popped into my head: "I really don't miss London." Rather a random thought I know, but then, I always find those to be the most interesting ones.

I lived in London for over 14yrs until, just over a year ago, when I decided it was time for a change. Life had been good in the Big City, but things had started to weaken. The dwindling friends as they moved away or out of London, the single serving friends of the night, as Tyler Durden's alter ego so rightly put it and the ever so growing larger and younger population…

Or maybe it was just that I was getting on a bit. Who knows? Point is, I turned around one day to find myself abandoned by all. How selfish of them to go and get married and have children while I wasn’t looking. And then, to top it all, to move away without so much of a blink. Who was there to bring you chocolate every day during your third trimester and eat it with you so you wouldn’t feel guilty? Who, I ask you? Yes, you know who you are!!!

So, after a quick week-end to visit the area - and trying out the "local" club, roughly 40 min drive away - I spent a couple of weeks racking my brain trying to come up with good reasons why I should stay.
Well, let see:

• My brilliant job... Nah, hated it. Was nothing of what I was promised and everything I'd always feared and dreaded. 
• My fantastic friends... like I said, most of them had buggered off by then and the few that were still around where miles away. That's one of the problems of the Big City, takes just as long to go across than to go from Exeter to Plymouth... and even if you do cover quite a few more miles, you spend just as much on petrol! 
• Great nights out... Oh, but the attraction of the glittering lights as the hours turned to darkness, when you find yourself surrounded by people proudly wearing their beer goggles, had worn off ages ago.

So, a few days later, I talked to Ash and told her I was moving down. I knew she'd be excited about it, but there were a few reactions I didn't expect from the other people in my life.
For some, the very concept of moving, just like that, without apparently really thinking it through, had come as a bit of a shock and I was reminded of everything I would miss from here, the type of life to expect and, to top it all, was kindly instructed not to expect my life to change or improve in any way as I barely relocating my issues, baggage, trauma - or anything you'd like to call it - with me. I was warned I might just be trying to escape from myself and that nothing would change no matter where I lived.

Truth is, I was very aware of all that and was terrified I was making a huge mistake I might not be able to come back from. But, I made my mind up and decided I really didn't have anything to lose in trying. I thought "Worse comes to worse, I'll be miserable, but then I'm miserable here anyway, so there wouldn't be much difference now, would there?"
Turns out, even though I might have some bad days, I have a job I love, and that, beleive me, makes a massive difference. And I have Ash. Not to put any more pressure on her than there already is, but I really believe that these kinds of relationships come once in your life and I wasn't prepare to loose it to geographic relocation. God, I sound like a stalker... Nah, she's chuffed I'm here...

I blame it all on feminism!

Have you ever wondered where we would be today had it not been for the feminist movement? I have, and a fascinating thought came to me. Yes, we are now all meant to be equal - ish - and all that, but have you ever stopped to think about the other implications of this process. What we lost on the way to gaining an independence I sometimes think I could have done without.

Yes, I am fairly autonomous, opinionated and strong. I do as I pleases 99% of the time, I rarely take no for an answer and I like things to be my way. But does that make me an independent person, or just a selfish one?

And what of the woman in me? She was born with certain animal instincts, so, had she been allowed to come into a world where these instincts where fulfilled, would she have grown into a loving mother, caring wife, exciting lover and a strong minded woman, or, would she have become needy, dependant and repressed? Either way, there were certain rules that helped defined who you were going to be. Today, those rules don’t apply. We now can work, have kids – with or without a partner – travel and pay our bills all by our lone self.

So instead, that woman in me is struggling to find her own place within today’s world. Instead, she has to be able to stand on her own two feet, need no one and expect nothing in return. Did we take it too far, and in the process, lose an important part of what made us men and women?

A couple of years ago, I was in a pub for a boogie – as you do – and I had one of the most interesting discussion one might have in such a setting. This bloke had just tried his best possible pick up line on the girl next to me. He wasn’t too cheesy nor overzealous but she was having none of it. And, as I watched him being ruthlessly rejected, I couldn’t help but let a sorry smile come to my face. He looked straight at me and I gave him my best “Sorry mate” facial expression. He raised his shoulders and said “Why do I bother? You women are driving me mad; you’re all over the place.”

We started talking and he gave me an insight in the way some men might think of us. He explained to me how difficult meeting women were nowadays. He emphasised on the whole female revolution and how it’s messed things up. How terrifying it is for any man to walk up to a woman and make it alive to the other side of the conversation. He said something that stayed with me. “Women are so volatile; we never know what mood you’re going to be in. From happy and frisky, and then we’re more likely to get an open response, to a really bad mood which regularly result on getting your head bitten off.”

As we talked some more, I realised that we had our revolution, but men didn’t. They watched in dismay as their women went through radical changes, their roles of providers dwindled and the belief they had been brought up with of the alpha male being reduced to shreds. As he left, he uttered: "I blame it all on feminism!"

36, single and childfree...

I've just sat in on a meeting for work - 3 hours of mindless chit-chat, God some people love the sound of their own voice! - all the while, surrounded by women roughly my age, all with families and careers most of them have left behind to look after their offspring, and boy did I feel like a fish out of water. Don't take me wrong, I don't doubt my ability to do my job, but when I'm with these people, I suddenly feel like a child.

On the drive home, I started to think about it and wondered whether being 36, single and childfree could keep me childlike. As much as I try, I have never felt this “grown up” way most adult seem to reach at some point during there mid 20s / mid 30s. Nor have I ever had a big panic attack when I turned 30, or 35 for that matter.

I have often questioned what makes people go through those stages and why I don't seem to ever get there somehow – or if I really want to. Is it a state of mind? I have often seen it happen with my friends, right in front of my eyes, with the arrival of children and building of their own family. Or does it lay deeper within? Do some of us keep hold of our younger self alive... Be honest, you can really see the attraction. I've seen out there, and it ain't pretty.

But then, what if you don’t crave for that family life, for children and a terraced house with a big garden and a dog - or cat? What do you do when your life has taken a path of its own, a path that you were never told about, a path you never imagined could be a possibility, an option or even an acceptable choice. How do you accept it as your life, your choice, when everything you've ever been taught on what to expect from your years as an adult is so different from your day to day life. What do you do when you realise you've obviously been handed the wrong manual?

I don't know if you've had a good look at yours, because I've read mine over and over, front to back and back to front, and there is nothing in it about this other path I find myself on. At first, it was a bit like I'd wondered off the yellow brick road and couldn't find my way back. After all, I was told, time and again, not to leave the road under any circumstances. But then, I was never very good at doing what I was told...

So today, I find myself taking part in a whole new ball game. One set right under one of those signs that states, in big bold letters “No Ballgames!" And as fascinating and exciting as this avenue might be, a very large part of me is still battling, searching for the yellow brick road, as if it would solve my entire existential crisis. The thing is, even if I do find it, and even if it takes me right back to Kansas... Is that really where I want to be?

My mind, my body and I

Looks like tomorrow is a little bit further away than planned. Been twisting and turning for the last hour, trying to get to sleep, and of course, my mind has been racing. Just as it should when one's desperately trying to reach the land of dreams, those daily worries come rushing in, pushing the sand-man right out the door.

I don't often find it difficult to get to sleep, but whenever I do, I think of all those people who have to deal with it, every night. My hat off to you all! The very concept of being held back and not being able to reach that sweet resting and relaxing time drives me mad. There you are, ready for a good night's sleep, knowing you will be granted such deserved and needed time off when, BANG! your mind races, you're feeling too hot, uncomfortable, out of place. It's like an alliance between your mind and your body just to piss you off. Let me tell you, tonight, it's doing a fantastic job. Grrrrrrrr

One thing this has made me realise though... I'm definitely getting older. I mean, who goes to bed before 10pm?!?! well, looks like I do! Must be an age thing. Can't explain it any other way. I'm not watching TV anymore, and at first, I thought that was the reason. Turns out, I will turn things off when 10 is peeping it's shinny nose on my phone. My body knows it's time for it's rest, and lets me know. Except that tonight, we had a bad connection, because when I thought it said " It's time for bed." what it really meant was " I feel like a think, lets do that instead."

So here I am, 11.10pm, wide awake and very aware of the work day that will eventually be upon us - ie my mind, my body and I. Not sure how we're going to sort this little misunderstanding out, but something's got to give. I think bribes might have to be used. Don't really like to resort to these, it's getting into a nasty pattern, because the only things that seem to get those two off my back are sex and alchool... Mmmm ... I hear you raising an eyebrow, and I'm with you on this. Bribes are NOT the end to all means, but what can I say? Desperate measures call for desperate actions. Lets hope sex will do because alchool at this time... Wouldn't want to be me tomorrow!

Here I am....

I find myself in a very strange space. So many things are all over the place at the moment, I feel so out of balance and in constant battle with myself. The many parts of me are struggling to live harmoniously together, making my usual routine a daily challenge.

From the outside, looking in, you could say my life seems pretty good. I have a great job I love - and yes, I really do! A flat just perfect for me. No money problems as such - yes, I'm constantly broke, but on the up side, after paying taxes for years, I'm finally getting it back thanks to working tax credit and housing benefit. Could there be a God after all?

But getting up in the morning feeling scared to get out and knowing that it will be a really bad day cannot be very helpful, or healthy for that matter. Luckily, I'm taking those pills my doctor likes to call Prozac... I like to refer to them as my happy pills. They are doing wonders for my tears, i.e. stopping them and allowing me to function. Down side is, on those worse days, when you feel you really could do with a cry, nothing comes. Now that's just frustrating.

I stayed at Ash's yesterday. She's like my family away from home. I trust her implicitly and whenever I feel down, I know she'll take me in, hug me and let me moan, complain and cry. Last night, she wanted me to try and talk as my heart. Let me tell you, that was one of the scariest thing I've done in a while. I was utterly terrified to hear what goes on in there. But I admit that, after a few wrong starters, I let it out: "I am Devongirl's heart and I feel..." fear, sadness, loneliness, anger, heaviness... and boy did I cry! Felt better for it though.

It's been a tough 3 days, but hopefully, tomorrow will be another day, clearer, lighter and cheerier. And who knows, I might wake up renewed and full of energy.
Until then, have a good evening.