36, single and childfree...

I've just sat in on a meeting for work - 3 hours of mindless chit-chat, God some people love the sound of their own voice! - all the while, surrounded by women roughly my age, all with families and careers most of them have left behind to look after their offspring, and boy did I feel like a fish out of water. Don't take me wrong, I don't doubt my ability to do my job, but when I'm with these people, I suddenly feel like a child.

On the drive home, I started to think about it and wondered whether being 36, single and childfree could keep me childlike. As much as I try, I have never felt this “grown up” way most adult seem to reach at some point during there mid 20s / mid 30s. Nor have I ever had a big panic attack when I turned 30, or 35 for that matter.

I have often questioned what makes people go through those stages and why I don't seem to ever get there somehow – or if I really want to. Is it a state of mind? I have often seen it happen with my friends, right in front of my eyes, with the arrival of children and building of their own family. Or does it lay deeper within? Do some of us keep hold of our younger self alive... Be honest, you can really see the attraction. I've seen out there, and it ain't pretty.

But then, what if you don’t crave for that family life, for children and a terraced house with a big garden and a dog - or cat? What do you do when your life has taken a path of its own, a path that you were never told about, a path you never imagined could be a possibility, an option or even an acceptable choice. How do you accept it as your life, your choice, when everything you've ever been taught on what to expect from your years as an adult is so different from your day to day life. What do you do when you realise you've obviously been handed the wrong manual?

I don't know if you've had a good look at yours, because I've read mine over and over, front to back and back to front, and there is nothing in it about this other path I find myself on. At first, it was a bit like I'd wondered off the yellow brick road and couldn't find my way back. After all, I was told, time and again, not to leave the road under any circumstances. But then, I was never very good at doing what I was told...

So today, I find myself taking part in a whole new ball game. One set right under one of those signs that states, in big bold letters “No Ballgames!" And as fascinating and exciting as this avenue might be, a very large part of me is still battling, searching for the yellow brick road, as if it would solve my entire existential crisis. The thing is, even if I do find it, and even if it takes me right back to Kansas... Is that really where I want to be?