Here I am, once more, battling a sleepless night. I've already had alcohol and took out my little box of tricks... but none of it has worked. My id is having a ranting contest with the rest of me and I am loosing fast. Alternatively, I'm going slightly mad... which is a very real possibility!
So much is being stressed over and replayed in my head that I'm not even sure which I should be worrying about the most, if any. There's my assignment - nowhere near finished yet with its deadline in sight - the workload waiting for me tomorrow, this body I am struggling to be at home in at the moment, that missing love connection, the strong loneliness, the end of life... all screaming inside my head to get heard, to be understood, to feel compassion and a hug to comfort them. Instead, all it gets is noise and my heart aches.
Unforunately, at this moment in time, it has nowhere safe and freeing to go to. No heaven to rest a little, no happy place to think of nothing but the beauty of life. No, right now, it wished those pills would work better and numb the pain all together. Right now, it feels like there is no sense or purpose to being here... Oh my God, it is really depressed tonight! And if i listen to it too much, I'll get down there with it. It's so much easier to be miserable and to feel sorry for yourself. Being happy, now that's hard work. Takes commitment, dedication and willingess to take risks. Easier said than done, I know, I know...
But then again... You see, there is that little light of hope, that small ounce of faith that there is more to this life than feeling this pain. On an evening like tonight, it's very faint, a whisper really. Only if I concentrate and listen carfully, very attentively, can I hear it. I need to focus, block out the cacophony, but, yes, here it is, that soft gentle voice, coming from deep down inside me, muffled by the sound of the ranting and the loud voices of the fragmented sides of me. That voice tenderly reminding me that all this is only a phase, a bad trip from a place inside me that has had a tough day.
So now, I focus on that voice, on the beauty of its music and it's helping me blocking out the rest. I sooth myself by being gentle of those feelings and emotions. After all, they come from a very real place, even if they don't usually all pop out at once! I suppose, they just felt like a field trip tonight. How unconsiderate of them!
Looking at each of them, I calm myself. Nothing I can do about it now anyway. Tomorrow will be another day, we can talk about it then. And who knows, by then, I might have actual answers and solutions to sort it all out. Hey ... I can dream, can't I?
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