As I was reading a magazine article on mothers & daughters, I couldn’t help be reflect on how much my relationship with my mother had changed over the last few years and how, after 36 yrs of knowing one another, and even though we had to deal with so many obstacles, call it childhood, divorce, teenager girl, struggling single mum, evil brother ;-) ... we have finally accepted each other for who we are, as best as we are able to.
It’s taken me a great deal of time and personal reflection to accept and understand the reasons behind everything she did or said around me, as well as a very lengthy process to stop blaming her for everything that was going wrong in my life. And the ones who know me well will know I was never one of those people who take responsibilities for their own self easily…
Today, I wonder what type of mother I would have been had I had children. I can’t help but think of the mistakes I would have made. Would I have been over protective? Would I have been too sever? Would I have bothered at all or would I have handed them over to a nanny? Although, knowing me, I think I probably would have gone for the overprotective, “love you too much”, “no one will ever be good enough for you” type of neurotic mum who ends up being ruled by her little bundles of joy... or as a friend of mine said once: regular little hooligans!
What I am sure of, is that I would do everything in my power to prepare them for what the future holds in store; and that would mean do whatever I beleive to be best for them, which is not necessarly what is best for them - as many parents find out day in, day out. I understand that everything she ever did was to help me become who she thought I'd be, following her ideas, values and her experiences as a child. This realisation and the changes I have been going through, has allowed me to see the love she has for me, in it's true form, stripped of the emotional baguage I have seen it through for the last 30 odd years.
Thing is, I probably will never know what mother I might be. And that's ok, but for that reason, I value my mother’s input and influences even more so today than ever before. The interesting thing is that a lot of the things she did or said, that hurt me at the time, have ended up serving me, helping me develop my true self toward its full potential - No, I'm not saying I'm there yet, but I'm definitely getting closer. Now, I truly believe I am a better person because of her, and I’d like to think that she is too because of me.
Someone asked me a few years ago why I kept going back, why was I bothering with her, why was I putting myself through this over and over. I replied: because she's my mum, she's the only one I have and I will not give up on her. Today, I am so glad I never did. I have reached a more balanced state of mind and have established a brand new relationship with her, which has brought us closer than ever before. I admit, it is a load of my shoulders to have finally managed to change the dynamic of that bond. We have both reached a new chapter in our lives, and luckily, we are now in a position to really support one another through the challenges to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment