Kissing Frogs

It's been 5 years since my last serious relationship. 5 years! That's equivalent to about 1303 weeks or 9125 days. That’s a lot of alone time. Now, don't take me wrong, I had plenty of fun during that time, plenty of no-strings attached fun. But, like all self confident single woman, it just doesn't cut it, does it? So, after moving to Devon, I thought I'd had enough kissing frogs and that it might be time to take the next step. So, I joined a dating website. And, no, I'm not a dating website virgin... Hey, where do you think I found my no-string attached fun!?

But I decided to be good. To be reasonable. And to NOT, under any circumstances, get into bed with them in the first few dates. With all the best intentions, I went on my first date. Lovely lad, but, unfortunately, I fell in love with his car!!! He wasn't impressed, understandably. And, yes, I admit, I tried to get into his pants... What can I say, some addictions are just really hard to kick. Luckily, he had been put off and didn't take advantage of my weakness.

Then came the next man. And the following one. And the one after that. And I was starting to see a pattern reappearing. How do you still pick the wrong men, even on line? Seriously, I knew about how your attitude can be a magnet for the wrong type of partners, I just never thought it would transfer onto paper! I must have some fantastic psychic connection... either that, or my desperation is leaking onto my laptop's hard drive.

Then came Mr H. Perfect on paper, in picture and on the phone. Tall, handsome, quite a bit older than me, divorced with 3 kids and fairly local. We met and I admit, I immediately melted. He was even more charming than I had imagined and the chemistry was there instantly. So, I did what I always do when I meet someone I really fall for: I went to fantasy land! You know, lala land, that little space in the back of your mind where you can make dreams come true. Although mine is probably a little bigger than most slightly bonkers women. Anyway, we'd only been out once but I already had us married and living happily ever after. Nothing new there. My typical pattern.

The second date was lovely too, although it took him a good 3 weeks to get himself organised and sorted to meet up again. That should have been my first clue. But no, I had my blinders on, and saw only what I wanted to see. He really liked me and I needed to be understanding of his situation. So, I gave him even more time to get himself sorted for our 3rd date. It did eventually come. Yet, as much as I tried to ignore them, the cracks where starting to appear. As charming, loving and interesting as he was, I started to feel I was doing all the work. I then did something I'd never done before: I told him that if we didn't meet more often, our little relationship would never get off the ground. And, logically, he ended it.

It felt like my heart broke into million pieces. It wasn't just loosing him, but also losing the idea of what could have been. All those dreams and everything I've always wanted. I tried to hang on to him, to hang on to the hope he might change his mind, especially since he said he just wasn't ready to move on. To me, there was no  actual closure. So, instead of moving on, I waited for any news of him while finding someone to fill in the gap. All I wanted was someone like him. I found a man of similar age/background and even more local and recklessly jumped into bed with him. It was farther away from anything I really wanted, but my desperation to be loved was taking over.

Christmas came and went. As the new year started, I tried to move away from all this ridiculous and unhelpful behaviour. I also started to get slack on my dating activities. No one was e-mailing me, and I wasn't bothered in searching much. Part of me had started to give up on the idea to meet someone even half decent. I wasn't sure I was ready for another blow just yet. I felt like I'd given enough to men, in terms of wasted time, energy, emotions and tears. Things back home were not good, which took my mind of those mindlessness thoughts and i was getting ready to visit my family.

And then, just before I flew home for the February holidays, came that first e-mail. It was sweet and I thought, why not? We started e-mailing, then chatting on msn. We had so much in common. From what we liked doing, to what we wanted in life and a similar sense of humour. There was a real connection there... and we both got carried away in how things might be when we met. He talked of going away together, going to a concert he's got tickets for in May, even maybe go to a wedding... And we also talked about sex a lot.

How insane is this! It was all I have ever wanted. But no, I panicked. I stopped him in his tracks and we agreed we should take it slowly... Yeah right. Like I can do that... But I also really wanted to be good, to be reasonable, to build our relationship on more than a physical connection - Oh to hell with it! cried that part in my head on fire, close to short circuiting while fantasizing about our relationship! 
A couple of days after I came back to Devon, we had our first date. I admit kissing him within 10 minutes of meeting him. I wanted to know straight away. Was that smart? I don't know, but my emotions got overwhelmed and toward the end, I cried.

Now, I ask you, you're on a first date, you think it's going well, the girl is kissing you and suddenly, she starts crying. If I was the bloke, I'd have ran a mile! But he stayed put. He hugged me and handled it. Although I know that he wondered what my next move was going to be after our date. And honestly, I had a lot going through my mind. 

After work, on Friday, I had a drink with one of the girls I work with. We talked about men, about this new guy I'd met, about her relationship and her getting remarried. And she said something that really hit me. Something she had realised when her partner asked her to marry him, when she wondered whether this was the right thing to do, whether it was too early after her divorce, until she asked herself this question: "What am I waiting for?". As she explained this to me, she looked me in the eyes and asked: "What are you waiting for?" and that phrase stayed with me, echoing over and over inside my head, working its magic until, suddenly, I thought "What AM I waiting for?"

So, I'm done kissing frogs. Right now, I'm kissing Mr Max. One of those rare men who doesn’t need to be taught how to kiss and who's full of potential. God knows where this will take us. But I'm sure going to enjoy the ride!