With reasons unbeknown to me, I don’t seem to ever be able to get both love and sex. I spent so long waiting for love, when it felt like it would never come, I gave up on the idea. The day I stopped believing in it was the day I started to have sex for fun. And oh the fun I’ve had. It is a truly magnificent thing and I am very good at it… yeah, I know, it’s easy for me to say, but I am very self aware, so if I say I’m good at something, you better believe I really am. Admittedly, I’ve had a range of very determined teachers. All very happy to be used as guinea pigs while I worked on those many ways to satisfy a gentleman. Funnily enough, that’s probably the only subject I happily would have taken homework home with me! Although, looking back, none of them really were gentlemen.
So, when, in a twist of fate, Mr Max’s old flame changed her mind, I thought, considering how good our first session had been, why not have some fun. He then went through all the emotions I’d had, and some more. Now, it would have been very easy to feel totally smug and pleased with this turn of events, but for reasons unknown to myself at first, I felt nothing of those feelings I expected – and believe me, Me, Myself and I have had big meetings over the subject, some of us were really concerned about our general lack of pleasure at this new development. I felt sorry for him and how he might have been feeling over the whole affaire. So, I put on my empathy hat on and offered friendship and support… Yes, I know what you’re thinking: How could I do this after what had happened? Well, what do you want me to say, I must bit slightly sado on the edges, because I went straight back.
Mr Max & I agreed to meet as “friends”, the type that kiss and cuddle and see where it would take us. - I can hear your cries of outrage… Give it up; what’s done is done ;-) . Ok, I confess, the fact that I’d arranged to meet with another man threw him a bit and, in a way, for lack of a better word, sealed the deal. That’s how we ended up spending that Friday night together. Now, trust me, I knew we would end up engaging in some real fun bedroom activities, but I also wanted to see how I felt about it all. And it felt brilliant. I’m not just talking about the sex, although that was pretty amazing, but I felt so comfortable with him, it was actually really nice. Better than I expected.
After a few days texting one another, he started to wonder whether I had ulterior motives to our little “relationship”. He reminded me that he was still very much in love with her and wasn’t sure when – if ever – he would get over it. Strangely enough, even though he had mentioned it before so it really wasn’t news to me, it came down on me like a tone of bricks. I guess, after Friday night, I thought there might have been something more. But it looked like I was wrong. He made that crystal clear. Now, as glad as I should be for his honesty, a part of me started to feel angry, cheated and robbed. The truth of the matter is that I brought all this upon myself. I always, somehow, make sure the relationship is doomed from the start or I sabotage it all along the way. So now comes the hard task of telling him that meeting up again isn’t going to be a good idea, even though I’m rather desperate for his company, love and that strong connection that brought us together in the first place. And I don’t mean hard for him, no, I’m thinking about Me, Myself and I here. Because sending him away is going to take me right back to that dreaded single status. But I have to protect myself and I know, deep down, that if I haven’t fallen for him already, I will do very soon. And that’s just a recipe for disaster in my books.
So could this be the beginning of the end of Mr Max, you ask. Well… No. As we talked and I got ready to give him my best, most convincing version of “let’s not see each other again”, after many, many failed attempts, he stopped me by admitted this whole thing was a little more than just sex to him. Now, many flags rose up, the cannons rang, telling me to just leave … so I stayed! He asked for a couple of weeks to sort his situation out, and I gave it to him. No hesitation. No pause. The thing is, at the time, I was also talking to a blast from my past. A guy I used to have fun with about 10 yrs ago reappeared and wanted a chat. Interestingly enough, after our first few dates, this guy had turned around and said, and I quote: "you're not girlfriend material”. The realisation of how much those few words have impacted on me and played as the last nail in that strong foundation of poor belief in myself hit me there and then.
I know I must trust that I deserve better, I must want better than be second best or a play thing to men. I am worth more than that, even though my behaviour around men and those repeated situations I find myself in seem to say otherwise. But right now, I admit, I’m not sure how to do this whole believing in yourself gobbledygook. So, for now, I will take any glimmer of hope toward receiving love any day. And I will get my heart broken. I will hurt, and cry and feel like it will never happen for me. But then, hopefully, I will get up again, raising back from the deep crack inside me to where I can feel human again, woman again, myself again. And who knows, one day, I might begin to see the light and believe in all that gobbledygook (I sure like that word!!!). Whether love comes along or not, that is another matter.
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