Time to start climbing again.

Life has a twisted sense of humour and seems to really enjoy kicking me while I’m down. I sure hate long week-ends, especially when I have no plans. I managed it alright up to Sunday night, but this Monday bank holiday has been a very boring hell of a day. Made worth by the nice weather and my running in and out again house mate, reminding me how lonely I can feel.

For me, loneliness is directly linked to my low self-esteem, feeling of worthlessness and huge feeling of emptiness inside. Up to now, I have been able to manage these fairly well; I tend to throw myself into my work which has been my safety net so far and keep busy with my study. But lately, it has become increasingly difficult. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting older but I have a strong suspicion these extra years have been influencing my feelings on the turn my life is taking.

I am trying to figure out the roots of that profound loneliness but, during the process, I am also constantly trying to get a way out of this hole. So, I put all my energy in finding a man to be with, because, to me, that’s the only way out of this. I know it’s unreasonable but I can’t seem to face any other reasons behind this terrible feeling. I figure, if I can find someone to love me, then I will have a reason for being here in the first place. But how can you be loved if you don’t believe you are worth it, if you don’t think you deserve it. When I start to wonder if it is really better to be alone than to be with the wrong person, then I know things are not going well. It’s a sick vicious circle and it’s a painful one.

So, as Mr Max makes another exit, I fall apart one more time. Only lately, every time I fall apart, it’s like I am loosing a piece of me, a piece of that strong and positive me and the space it leaves behind just widen the emptiness inside. It’s that little more painful, feels that little more final and that little harder every time to get back up. And when I start having thoughts of disappearing all together, I know it is time to pick up the phone and call my doc.

Because at this stage, calling your friends just doesn’t help, how can you explain to someone how you really feel when they have no way of understanding what you’re going through? And you can’t blame people for telling you “there is someone out there for you” or “you’ll be fine” or “you just need to do this or that”. That’s the way society expects us to behave, by empathising, encouraging and using our experiences to relate to one another.

And loneliness is a killer. Few people acknowledge it and even fewer people will admit suffering from it. Because, to actually say you are lonely not only triggers that overwhelming feeling, but you also easily assume that people will judge you. Many people figure that if you are lonely, you’re just not trying hard enough to get out and about, linking being lonely to being alone. But the two are very different.

So now, I have to get over this, I have to find a little bit of strength deep within myself to pull me back out of the hole. Only this hole is getting deeper every time I fall into it and I worry about when the day will come that I cannot reach the top anymore. But I guess it’s better not to think about it now and just to start climbing while I still can.