Now that I found love...

Four months! It's only been 4 short months since I met That Man and fell totally, utterly and madly in love. Because there is no question that it is love. And that's a first for me. It didn't take my heart long to feel like I loved him, and - against all the advice given to me by very well meaning friends - to tell him so. But it took my head a while to realise that it wasn't just one of those 'he'll do for now so that I don't feel totally alone all the time' type of bloke.

Now, lets be honest, this was NOT love at first sight. It was only meant to be a quick fix to an itch I needed scratching.  Sorry for being so un-politically correct, but since he insisted on paying for everything, I let him take me out a few more times. What can I say? It was fabulous being treated nicely and being complemented all the time. And, yes, to feel desired and sexy was a massive turn on too. However I expected nothing more than a few weeks of fun as I was very aware of one tiny winny fact: He'd only just split up from his wife a couple of months earlier and I was his very first date after being married for over 20 years. So, while my heart was screaming ' this is sooooo nice, give me more', my head was gently but consistently nagging me, warning my heart with statements such as 'don't get too used to this, he's not our man. For a start, he's boldish, he's got tattoos - 3 massive ones, including one that says ENGLAND across his back - he's a man's man, he's just out of a 20 odd years marriage and he's as English as they come.' Basically, don't get too attached.

But then, my heart was never one to listen to reason, or to what my head had to say for that matter. So, while I kept seeing That Man, ensued a most interesting battle in that body of mine. This was the biggest battle of the last 30 years! Everyone else step aside and watched.

On the right, standing tall and proud, oh and a little bit stubborn, was HEAD. She always over analyses everything, digging deep into the opponent's past to back up her statement. From her side, the arguments were coming fast, and not always at the best of times. For example, during a romantic dinner, or on the back of That Man's motorbike, it would shout out "For crying out loud, you're not believing all this crap, are you? He's on the rebound! Stop being such a wimp for lovey dovey rubbish! Don't you know better by now?!?!"

One the left was HEART. He has a tendency to run with his emotions and needs and often doesn't realise he's being taken for a ride until its too late. He only ever sees the good in people and trust they are genuine. His replies to HEAD's comments were gently and kindly shared by pointing out "That Man is being honest and loving toward us, and I really like how it's going."

There was no question to the rest of the team that HEART was going to loose this battle. Besides, he'd lost every other ones and HEAD had always stood tall and triumphant, with an "I Told You So" smug expression about her. But then something unexpected happened. It totally threw everyone to the core and threatened the order and balance of this well oiled machine. HEART did not give in. And the more HEAD fought back, the bigger and stronger HEART became. Something was making it fight in a way he'd never done before. HEAD started to sound like a broken record while HEART's arguments became clearer, led by very strong feelings and more rational fighting talk. It all came to a head - no punt intended - when everyone heard  HEART exclaim "So he's not perfect! I'm not either if you haven't noticed! No one is. The point is, he is everything I've ever wanted in a man when it comes to my emotional needs and what I expect for a relationship to even have a shot at making it! I'm not deluded in thinking it's always going to be easy or fun, but that's life, and I want That Man in mine!!!" Everyone froze. Everyone thought. And in the end, everyone agreed, even HEAD, that HEART might be onto something.

Since then, everything has changed, and for the better. Everyone is enjoying the ride HEART is taking us on. And That Man is now a constant feature in our life. So constant that we actually spend nearly every evenings together, either just the two of us at mine or at his house with his two lovely daughters. Two kids aged 5 and 11 and an extremely volatile ex-wife are his baggage. Mine are over 10 years of emotional neglect due to very poor men choices. Nothing there that either of us really can't handle! And then there are the more important questions:

- Is it going to last? Only time will tell, but I can tell you one thing, we will give it our best shot to make it last as long as possible, as neither of uf want it to end right now.

- Does he love me? Of course he does. Even if he hasn't said those 3 little words, he's showed it to me in so many ways. I mean, he unblocked my toilets the other day with a wire hanger and his hands (with gloves on admittedly). If that's not love, I don't know what is!!! ;-)

- Is being together fun? It's already been full of it, so a pretty good start.

- Is it going to be easy? No, lets be honest, not with our personal baggage. I'm needy, demanding and emotional at the best of times. But somehow, he's managing it like a pro. The girls can be challenging for both of us, but luckily, we seem to have taken it in our stride and work as a team. It actually feels very natural, even the arguments with the kids and how we help each other through it. 

- Him, his girls and I? I'm up for the challenge! They are great fun - when they're in a good mood ;-) - and funnily enough, after a few days just the two of us, I'm starting to miss them.

- Is it love? Abso-fucking-lutely . Not an ounce of doubt in my mind.

Finally, that one existential question The O'Jays asked so well: "Now that we found love, what are we gonna do with it?" I don't know about you guys, but I'm going to enjoy it for everything it's giving me. And who knows, with a little bit of luck and some work, we might even make it.

Check out The O'Jays on You Tube at:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cGmyqXnswyk

More kissing practice is needed!!!

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling rather needy. I wanted to feel the arms of a man holding me and, for lack of a better option – and because I have so little respect for myself when I am that needy – I called on a man I knew had a very keen interest in me. Now, I know, I have set those new rules for my own safety and sanity … But hey, I made them up, so I’m allowed to break them whenever I feel like it! Right ?!?!? … Oh Come On!!!

Anyway, I invited him over after he finished work and put my cards on the table. Well… kind of … At least I did mention I wasn’t too sure about what I really wanted from this but was feeling lonely and could do with some affection. So, after a chat and a back massage, he made his move and kissed me. Ahhhhh… this took me back. Far back. Back when I used to kiss blokes in clubs because I felt like it. Back whenever a man couldn’t kiss, I’d just tell him straight on: “Is that the best you can do?” and if you know me, you know I did that many times over. I used to feel it was my duty as a French woman to encourage English men to improve their kissing technique. I was providing a public service and felt an obligation to my country, and other women out there, to make sure the French Kissing skills weren’t being lost.

I guess, the first question one need to ask one self is: How do you define a good kisser? I could go on about those valuable skills, but I prefer defining a bad one. That’s just a lot more fun! Obviously, there is the tongue one. He’s the one that picks at you and you feel like he wants to re-sculpt the inside of your mouth. Then there’s the licking one, who must have some issue about mouth hygiene as he gives your teeth, lips and sometimes cheeks, a good clean. Of course, we also have the sucking one who’s trying to suck the life out of you, in a very similar way to a plunger used to clear up a blocked sink. And finally, my personal favourite when it comes to idiocy and badly applied knowledge, the carp one who is all about the open mouth and nothing else. 

To come back to my little friend from the other night, a fan of the old carp technique, what was most interesting afterward is that he said to me, quite content, “you enjoyed our kissing session, didn’t you?” which was rather ironic considering all I could think about was “you’re a crap kisser, get out of my sight!” 

The thing is, it’s not hard to kiss! It’s not about sucking or licking or stuffing or cleaning, it’s about being sensual, about making an initial intimate physical contact with that person. So, this is my lesson to blokes out there who believe they know how to kiss… 

A. Don’t open your mouth straight away! We, women, like a gentle caress, a tease, as if you were just saying to us “you’re so pretty, you’re sexy, you’re amazing.”

B. Keep it gentle! She’s not a bag of chips at 3 in the morning on a Sunday, after a night out when you’re starving. Although … come to think of it, sometimes, she might feel like it. STILL, it’s no reason to jump the gun!!! She’s a woman and needs gentle attention … to start with at least!!!

C. Don’t rush! Don’t feel like you have to get into the thick of it straight away. It’s not a bloody race!

D. Let her come to you, follow her lead, follow the signs, listen to her. It’s a bit like a dance. You make the first move- hands on her waist, then she responds by pulling you in, then you go a little further and move your hands to her butt. If you don’t get a smack, you’re in! If you go straight to the butt feel, believe me, even if she finishes the dance, you’ll never see her again!

Men really underestimate the power of kissing and where it can lead you. A good kisser will turn you on and bring you to the edge and back… unfortunately, my latest experience had been rather disastrous. I admit I can’t stand bad kissers and tend to point it out to them but I’m getting too old to be badly kissed! I mean, how does a 48 years old man manages to get to this point in his life without being able to kiss. I know he’s been married twice and so might have got into a routine with his ex’s but I’m neither one of them for crying out loud!!!

After that set back, I felt my faith in men needed to be restored. So, the following week-end, I went on a date. Noooo, not with him again. Are you serious?!?! Bad kisser = Bye bye Mister. Sorry if I sound harsh but a girl has to have her limits. Ok, I don’t have that many, but still… Kissing is a skill you should never mess with when I’m around. 

So, when my date enquired about my last dating experience, I had to be honest about it. He listened and, even though he was a little bit taken aback by my honesty, he handled it like the big guy that he was. After all, he was attractive and most interesting, so a kiss at the end of the night was definitely on the card for me. But I wanted to avoid a repeat performance. The only way I could be sure of it was by letting him know in advance what my expectations were. 

The evening went very nicely and he made it all the way to my living room. Maybe, I fancied him more than the other guy, maybe I liked him more too or maybe I just wasn’t prepared to go through this again, but he went from 6 out of 10 to a 9 in just a few minutes and a few pointers. 

Will I see him again… I hope so. I would love to take him all the way to the perfect 10. And for that, there is only one solution: more kissing practice is needed!!!

The rules and regulations of internet dating.

I started on the road of internet dating over 10 years ago… Over that time, I’ve had plenty of misshapes and false start. Amongst them all, I manage to develop one “long term” relationship. I’ve never really understood what that means: “long term”? I mean, how do you define what is long term? Looking back, some of my shorter connections have meant more to me than some of the lengthier ones. Is it more important or more difficult in the end than a shorter relationship you might have invested more of yourself in? Who defines those rules? Because if there is a manual, I haven’t read it!

However, after so many years, you’d think that, by now, I’d know how to work the system. Being a tad older than I was when I started, wisdom should follow, right? This would be true for a balanced, fully secured, self-confident and well adjusted - or just plainly sane - woman. However, I am none of the above. For those who know me well, what can I say, no surprises there.

And for years I have tried to become that woman. To find balance and peace within, to love the person I am to be, trust her instincts and respect her needs. To help her fulfil her dreams and grow to be that very sane person society has spent years telling her to become. What… a lot… of … bullocks!!! There are no rules! There are no lines one can follow to help survive the dating world we now live in. And it’s taken me this long to figure it out… Yes, not the sharpest tool in the box, I admit, but I never pretended to be.

Already, I can hear some of you thinking out loud: have you ever tried meeting someone the “natural way”? Now, there’s another interesting concept… The natural way. What is that, I ask you? Twenty years ago, from what I’ve heard, it meant meeting someone through friends, parties, work even. Although, for me, work has never been a very productive source of partners as I am surrounded by 3 foot tall people and there mothers!!! And as for my friends and their parties, let’s put it this way… they used to tell their friends: “you’ve got to meet this girl, she’s great. She’s really funny, ok and slightly mad … oh and a bit scary.” Not the best way to boost my chances, now, is it? In high sight, I was, at the time, a lot louder, brash, rough and scary than I am now. Yes I WAS!!! One thing I have going for me now though, as my friend pointed out to me the other day: “I don’t know how you keep going. Despite all the knocks you’re constantly getting, you just keep standing back up.” And as we talked some more, we had a think about the men I have met without the help of the internet… ready?... wait for it … None!!!

So, today, as I am considering joining yet another dating website – yes, don’t get me started - I decided to have a careful think of my past experiences. To do so, I wanted to have a look of the sites I had visited. Since I couldn’t remember them all, I typed Dating websites in my Google search. My, oh my… I knew cheating was easy nowadays, I just never realised it had become that easy!!! But that’s a whole different blog all together. So, after being slightly sidetracked with that crazy fact, I can now say that I have been on 6 different sites. Over 10 years that is! Although saying that, I know people who are on 2 or 3 sites at the same time, so six sites over 10 years really isn’t that bad.

What has become rather clear to me is that, if the site is free, it will be harder to separate the players and the lunatics from the gentlemen. Ok, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but one can dream, can’t I? So, that’s one of my first new rules. Oh, yes, I have NEW rules. I don’t read the dating rule book you see, I much prefer make up my own. Much more fun.

So, here they are…

1.     To choose a site that you can only access if you have put your hand in your pocket and separated yourself from your hard earned cash.

2.    To get ride of any man who talks to me about sex BEFORE we even meet.

3.    To get ride of any man who talks to me about my breasts or enquire about there size.

4.    Not to sleep with ANY man before the 3^rd date!!!

And that’s probably one of the hardest one for me to do …

So, watch this space… because with those new rules, I’m not going to be single much longer ;-).

New year... Same old me... Deal with it!

Picture this: New Year's Eve. All around the world, groups of friends are sitting around tables. The TV gets turned on just a couple of minutes before the much awaited clock chime. You can't be early... And you definitely don't want to be late. And as it goes, everyone gets up and cheers their glasses. They're wishing each other the best for the coming year. Some say this is the year they'll change who they are. Hundred of men and women swear this is the year they are loosing that extra weight. Single people all over hope this is the year they will meet The One. What extraordinary expectations one can put on one self.

And so, millions of New Years resolutions are made. Problem is, only a handful will actually happen. Most of them will be forgotten within a week. The more tenacious ones will hang around until the end of January then fade away, carefully and discretely stored in the back corner of that bottom drawer of your desk. The one where old pens, odd lids, broken and used up rubbers and really odd things such as a hair clip, a pair of tweezers, a sock or a balloon - seriously, how did it get there? - go to be forgotten.

I can understand the idea of celebrating the passing of time, and even to look back on the year just gone and reflect on our journey so far. I do that every year on my birthday! But does it mean we have to then go on to dictating what will come about in the coming new seasons. I don't know about you, but I've never been very good at predicting the future. Can you really tell what will happen to each and everyone of us over the next 365 days. That's a whole lot of days... And so much can happen in that time.

If I look back over the last few years, over periods of less than 6 months - including the full process of those changes, from start to finish - I have left one job for another, moved country, planned and been on a trip of a lifetime, moved out of London, moved houses twice, changed car, fell in love (or so I thought) and have my heart broken more than once - OK, OK, I'm a little bit fickle on that subject, but still !!! I think you get my drift.

So, as the New Year came upon us, I listened patiently to my friends talking about their thoughts for the coming new months and how it was going to be bigger and better than the one, seconds before, we were waving goodbye to. And then, it happened. Tears started running down my cheeks and I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me. And then, fear took over. What if it wasn't going to be better! What if this year was going to be more difficult, more painful, more hurtful than the ones before. Because no matter how positive you might be - and believe me, even if I don't sound it right now, lately, I have been Miss Positivity - sometimes, things just feel totally out of your control. And at that very moment, I panicked. It was as if, as I listened to the positive voices around me, that sneaky one inside my head muffled their sweet sounds and wispered into my heart: "might not be your year though."

I had two choices. I could go home and dive into the oblivion that those dark thoughts were pulling me into. OR. I could go out, get some air and clear my head. This is where I realised how much I have changed over the last few years, how strong I have grown. I refused to go home and managed to drag a couple of friends along to the beach with me. After a 4 hours wonder on the near by beaches, I felt lighter and rested. The panic had gone.

The tears and the sadness were still in my heart, but, after all, that's nothing new. I've lived with them for a long time now, and we are old friends. We don't always get on but they are a part of me and I am not quite ready to say good by to them just yet. I guess, in a way, they remind me that I still have work to do on myself. I am still in the middle of my journey. Whether it is a new year, a new world, or a new me on the outside, the me on the inside won't change.

My father is a big believer in sayings - and when I say big believer, I mean he'll serve you 10 in one day without batting an eyelid! I'm not into them much, but there is one that I have always liked: "Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop."which stands for "the leopard can't change its spots" - or so says the internet! Basically saying that, no matter how much you try to change the who you truly are, it will come back when you least expect it. The idea that there is something wrong with the person you are has always bothered me. We all have beauty and kindness inside our souls. 

Unfortunatly, our life journeys have tainted them, covering them with a veile of  pain, anger, regret and other emotions, making them hard to shine through. The hardest thing to do is not to remove the veile, but to face the layers of different emotions holding it down. Because those make you who you are, wether you like it or not. I have been working on taking that veile off, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes, it comes right off for a while, and others, it just won't budge. But if I've learned anything, it's that I really like what's under my veile. I might never be able to take it right off, but as long as I get to know who I am under there, and can bring her out every now and then, I'll be happy.

That's my resolution. 

Not for this year. 

Or the one gone. 

Or the one to follow. 

But for me, for now, for today and tomorrow.

New year, same old me, be happy...

Deal with it!!!