The rules and regulations of internet dating.

I started on the road of internet dating over 10 years ago… Over that time, I’ve had plenty of misshapes and false start. Amongst them all, I manage to develop one “long term” relationship. I’ve never really understood what that means: “long term”? I mean, how do you define what is long term? Looking back, some of my shorter connections have meant more to me than some of the lengthier ones. Is it more important or more difficult in the end than a shorter relationship you might have invested more of yourself in? Who defines those rules? Because if there is a manual, I haven’t read it!

However, after so many years, you’d think that, by now, I’d know how to work the system. Being a tad older than I was when I started, wisdom should follow, right? This would be true for a balanced, fully secured, self-confident and well adjusted - or just plainly sane - woman. However, I am none of the above. For those who know me well, what can I say, no surprises there.

And for years I have tried to become that woman. To find balance and peace within, to love the person I am to be, trust her instincts and respect her needs. To help her fulfil her dreams and grow to be that very sane person society has spent years telling her to become. What… a lot… of … bullocks!!! There are no rules! There are no lines one can follow to help survive the dating world we now live in. And it’s taken me this long to figure it out… Yes, not the sharpest tool in the box, I admit, but I never pretended to be.

Already, I can hear some of you thinking out loud: have you ever tried meeting someone the “natural way”? Now, there’s another interesting concept… The natural way. What is that, I ask you? Twenty years ago, from what I’ve heard, it meant meeting someone through friends, parties, work even. Although, for me, work has never been a very productive source of partners as I am surrounded by 3 foot tall people and there mothers!!! And as for my friends and their parties, let’s put it this way… they used to tell their friends: “you’ve got to meet this girl, she’s great. She’s really funny, ok and slightly mad … oh and a bit scary.” Not the best way to boost my chances, now, is it? In high sight, I was, at the time, a lot louder, brash, rough and scary than I am now. Yes I WAS!!! One thing I have going for me now though, as my friend pointed out to me the other day: “I don’t know how you keep going. Despite all the knocks you’re constantly getting, you just keep standing back up.” And as we talked some more, we had a think about the men I have met without the help of the internet… ready?... wait for it … None!!!

So, today, as I am considering joining yet another dating website – yes, don’t get me started - I decided to have a careful think of my past experiences. To do so, I wanted to have a look of the sites I had visited. Since I couldn’t remember them all, I typed Dating websites in my Google search. My, oh my… I knew cheating was easy nowadays, I just never realised it had become that easy!!! But that’s a whole different blog all together. So, after being slightly sidetracked with that crazy fact, I can now say that I have been on 6 different sites. Over 10 years that is! Although saying that, I know people who are on 2 or 3 sites at the same time, so six sites over 10 years really isn’t that bad.

What has become rather clear to me is that, if the site is free, it will be harder to separate the players and the lunatics from the gentlemen. Ok, that might be a bit of an overstatement, but one can dream, can’t I? So, that’s one of my first new rules. Oh, yes, I have NEW rules. I don’t read the dating rule book you see, I much prefer make up my own. Much more fun.

So, here they are…

1.     To choose a site that you can only access if you have put your hand in your pocket and separated yourself from your hard earned cash.

2.    To get ride of any man who talks to me about sex BEFORE we even meet.

3.    To get ride of any man who talks to me about my breasts or enquire about there size.

4.    Not to sleep with ANY man before the 3^rd date!!!

And that’s probably one of the hardest one for me to do …

So, watch this space… because with those new rules, I’m not going to be single much longer ;-).

New year... Same old me... Deal with it!

Picture this: New Year's Eve. All around the world, groups of friends are sitting around tables. The TV gets turned on just a couple of minutes before the much awaited clock chime. You can't be early... And you definitely don't want to be late. And as it goes, everyone gets up and cheers their glasses. They're wishing each other the best for the coming year. Some say this is the year they'll change who they are. Hundred of men and women swear this is the year they are loosing that extra weight. Single people all over hope this is the year they will meet The One. What extraordinary expectations one can put on one self.

And so, millions of New Years resolutions are made. Problem is, only a handful will actually happen. Most of them will be forgotten within a week. The more tenacious ones will hang around until the end of January then fade away, carefully and discretely stored in the back corner of that bottom drawer of your desk. The one where old pens, odd lids, broken and used up rubbers and really odd things such as a hair clip, a pair of tweezers, a sock or a balloon - seriously, how did it get there? - go to be forgotten.

I can understand the idea of celebrating the passing of time, and even to look back on the year just gone and reflect on our journey so far. I do that every year on my birthday! But does it mean we have to then go on to dictating what will come about in the coming new seasons. I don't know about you, but I've never been very good at predicting the future. Can you really tell what will happen to each and everyone of us over the next 365 days. That's a whole lot of days... And so much can happen in that time.

If I look back over the last few years, over periods of less than 6 months - including the full process of those changes, from start to finish - I have left one job for another, moved country, planned and been on a trip of a lifetime, moved out of London, moved houses twice, changed car, fell in love (or so I thought) and have my heart broken more than once - OK, OK, I'm a little bit fickle on that subject, but still !!! I think you get my drift.

So, as the New Year came upon us, I listened patiently to my friends talking about their thoughts for the coming new months and how it was going to be bigger and better than the one, seconds before, we were waving goodbye to. And then, it happened. Tears started running down my cheeks and I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me. And then, fear took over. What if it wasn't going to be better! What if this year was going to be more difficult, more painful, more hurtful than the ones before. Because no matter how positive you might be - and believe me, even if I don't sound it right now, lately, I have been Miss Positivity - sometimes, things just feel totally out of your control. And at that very moment, I panicked. It was as if, as I listened to the positive voices around me, that sneaky one inside my head muffled their sweet sounds and wispered into my heart: "might not be your year though."

I had two choices. I could go home and dive into the oblivion that those dark thoughts were pulling me into. OR. I could go out, get some air and clear my head. This is where I realised how much I have changed over the last few years, how strong I have grown. I refused to go home and managed to drag a couple of friends along to the beach with me. After a 4 hours wonder on the near by beaches, I felt lighter and rested. The panic had gone.

The tears and the sadness were still in my heart, but, after all, that's nothing new. I've lived with them for a long time now, and we are old friends. We don't always get on but they are a part of me and I am not quite ready to say good by to them just yet. I guess, in a way, they remind me that I still have work to do on myself. I am still in the middle of my journey. Whether it is a new year, a new world, or a new me on the outside, the me on the inside won't change.

My father is a big believer in sayings - and when I say big believer, I mean he'll serve you 10 in one day without batting an eyelid! I'm not into them much, but there is one that I have always liked: "Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop."which stands for "the leopard can't change its spots" - or so says the internet! Basically saying that, no matter how much you try to change the who you truly are, it will come back when you least expect it. The idea that there is something wrong with the person you are has always bothered me. We all have beauty and kindness inside our souls. 

Unfortunatly, our life journeys have tainted them, covering them with a veile of  pain, anger, regret and other emotions, making them hard to shine through. The hardest thing to do is not to remove the veile, but to face the layers of different emotions holding it down. Because those make you who you are, wether you like it or not. I have been working on taking that veile off, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes, it comes right off for a while, and others, it just won't budge. But if I've learned anything, it's that I really like what's under my veile. I might never be able to take it right off, but as long as I get to know who I am under there, and can bring her out every now and then, I'll be happy.

That's my resolution. 

Not for this year. 

Or the one gone. 

Or the one to follow. 

But for me, for now, for today and tomorrow.

New year, same old me, be happy...

Deal with it!!!