New year... Same old me... Deal with it!

Picture this: New Year's Eve. All around the world, groups of friends are sitting around tables. The TV gets turned on just a couple of minutes before the much awaited clock chime. You can't be early... And you definitely don't want to be late. And as it goes, everyone gets up and cheers their glasses. They're wishing each other the best for the coming year. Some say this is the year they'll change who they are. Hundred of men and women swear this is the year they are loosing that extra weight. Single people all over hope this is the year they will meet The One. What extraordinary expectations one can put on one self.

And so, millions of New Years resolutions are made. Problem is, only a handful will actually happen. Most of them will be forgotten within a week. The more tenacious ones will hang around until the end of January then fade away, carefully and discretely stored in the back corner of that bottom drawer of your desk. The one where old pens, odd lids, broken and used up rubbers and really odd things such as a hair clip, a pair of tweezers, a sock or a balloon - seriously, how did it get there? - go to be forgotten.

I can understand the idea of celebrating the passing of time, and even to look back on the year just gone and reflect on our journey so far. I do that every year on my birthday! But does it mean we have to then go on to dictating what will come about in the coming new seasons. I don't know about you, but I've never been very good at predicting the future. Can you really tell what will happen to each and everyone of us over the next 365 days. That's a whole lot of days... And so much can happen in that time.

If I look back over the last few years, over periods of less than 6 months - including the full process of those changes, from start to finish - I have left one job for another, moved country, planned and been on a trip of a lifetime, moved out of London, moved houses twice, changed car, fell in love (or so I thought) and have my heart broken more than once - OK, OK, I'm a little bit fickle on that subject, but still !!! I think you get my drift.

So, as the New Year came upon us, I listened patiently to my friends talking about their thoughts for the coming new months and how it was going to be bigger and better than the one, seconds before, we were waving goodbye to. And then, it happened. Tears started running down my cheeks and I felt a huge wave of sadness come over me. And then, fear took over. What if it wasn't going to be better! What if this year was going to be more difficult, more painful, more hurtful than the ones before. Because no matter how positive you might be - and believe me, even if I don't sound it right now, lately, I have been Miss Positivity - sometimes, things just feel totally out of your control. And at that very moment, I panicked. It was as if, as I listened to the positive voices around me, that sneaky one inside my head muffled their sweet sounds and wispered into my heart: "might not be your year though."

I had two choices. I could go home and dive into the oblivion that those dark thoughts were pulling me into. OR. I could go out, get some air and clear my head. This is where I realised how much I have changed over the last few years, how strong I have grown. I refused to go home and managed to drag a couple of friends along to the beach with me. After a 4 hours wonder on the near by beaches, I felt lighter and rested. The panic had gone.

The tears and the sadness were still in my heart, but, after all, that's nothing new. I've lived with them for a long time now, and we are old friends. We don't always get on but they are a part of me and I am not quite ready to say good by to them just yet. I guess, in a way, they remind me that I still have work to do on myself. I am still in the middle of my journey. Whether it is a new year, a new world, or a new me on the outside, the me on the inside won't change.

My father is a big believer in sayings - and when I say big believer, I mean he'll serve you 10 in one day without batting an eyelid! I'm not into them much, but there is one that I have always liked: "Chassez le naturel, il revient au galop."which stands for "the leopard can't change its spots" - or so says the internet! Basically saying that, no matter how much you try to change the who you truly are, it will come back when you least expect it. The idea that there is something wrong with the person you are has always bothered me. We all have beauty and kindness inside our souls. 

Unfortunatly, our life journeys have tainted them, covering them with a veile of  pain, anger, regret and other emotions, making them hard to shine through. The hardest thing to do is not to remove the veile, but to face the layers of different emotions holding it down. Because those make you who you are, wether you like it or not. I have been working on taking that veile off, but it isn't always easy. Sometimes, it comes right off for a while, and others, it just won't budge. But if I've learned anything, it's that I really like what's under my veile. I might never be able to take it right off, but as long as I get to know who I am under there, and can bring her out every now and then, I'll be happy.

That's my resolution. 

Not for this year. 

Or the one gone. 

Or the one to follow. 

But for me, for now, for today and tomorrow.

New year, same old me, be happy...

Deal with it!!!