More kissing practice is needed!!!

A couple of weeks ago, I was feeling rather needy. I wanted to feel the arms of a man holding me and, for lack of a better option – and because I have so little respect for myself when I am that needy – I called on a man I knew had a very keen interest in me. Now, I know, I have set those new rules for my own safety and sanity … But hey, I made them up, so I’m allowed to break them whenever I feel like it! Right ?!?!? … Oh Come On!!!

Anyway, I invited him over after he finished work and put my cards on the table. Well… kind of … At least I did mention I wasn’t too sure about what I really wanted from this but was feeling lonely and could do with some affection. So, after a chat and a back massage, he made his move and kissed me. Ahhhhh… this took me back. Far back. Back when I used to kiss blokes in clubs because I felt like it. Back whenever a man couldn’t kiss, I’d just tell him straight on: “Is that the best you can do?” and if you know me, you know I did that many times over. I used to feel it was my duty as a French woman to encourage English men to improve their kissing technique. I was providing a public service and felt an obligation to my country, and other women out there, to make sure the French Kissing skills weren’t being lost.

I guess, the first question one need to ask one self is: How do you define a good kisser? I could go on about those valuable skills, but I prefer defining a bad one. That’s just a lot more fun! Obviously, there is the tongue one. He’s the one that picks at you and you feel like he wants to re-sculpt the inside of your mouth. Then there’s the licking one, who must have some issue about mouth hygiene as he gives your teeth, lips and sometimes cheeks, a good clean. Of course, we also have the sucking one who’s trying to suck the life out of you, in a very similar way to a plunger used to clear up a blocked sink. And finally, my personal favourite when it comes to idiocy and badly applied knowledge, the carp one who is all about the open mouth and nothing else. 

To come back to my little friend from the other night, a fan of the old carp technique, what was most interesting afterward is that he said to me, quite content, “you enjoyed our kissing session, didn’t you?” which was rather ironic considering all I could think about was “you’re a crap kisser, get out of my sight!” 

The thing is, it’s not hard to kiss! It’s not about sucking or licking or stuffing or cleaning, it’s about being sensual, about making an initial intimate physical contact with that person. So, this is my lesson to blokes out there who believe they know how to kiss… 

A. Don’t open your mouth straight away! We, women, like a gentle caress, a tease, as if you were just saying to us “you’re so pretty, you’re sexy, you’re amazing.”

B. Keep it gentle! She’s not a bag of chips at 3 in the morning on a Sunday, after a night out when you’re starving. Although … come to think of it, sometimes, she might feel like it. STILL, it’s no reason to jump the gun!!! She’s a woman and needs gentle attention … to start with at least!!!

C. Don’t rush! Don’t feel like you have to get into the thick of it straight away. It’s not a bloody race!

D. Let her come to you, follow her lead, follow the signs, listen to her. It’s a bit like a dance. You make the first move- hands on her waist, then she responds by pulling you in, then you go a little further and move your hands to her butt. If you don’t get a smack, you’re in! If you go straight to the butt feel, believe me, even if she finishes the dance, you’ll never see her again!

Men really underestimate the power of kissing and where it can lead you. A good kisser will turn you on and bring you to the edge and back… unfortunately, my latest experience had been rather disastrous. I admit I can’t stand bad kissers and tend to point it out to them but I’m getting too old to be badly kissed! I mean, how does a 48 years old man manages to get to this point in his life without being able to kiss. I know he’s been married twice and so might have got into a routine with his ex’s but I’m neither one of them for crying out loud!!!

After that set back, I felt my faith in men needed to be restored. So, the following week-end, I went on a date. Noooo, not with him again. Are you serious?!?! Bad kisser = Bye bye Mister. Sorry if I sound harsh but a girl has to have her limits. Ok, I don’t have that many, but still… Kissing is a skill you should never mess with when I’m around. 

So, when my date enquired about my last dating experience, I had to be honest about it. He listened and, even though he was a little bit taken aback by my honesty, he handled it like the big guy that he was. After all, he was attractive and most interesting, so a kiss at the end of the night was definitely on the card for me. But I wanted to avoid a repeat performance. The only way I could be sure of it was by letting him know in advance what my expectations were. 

The evening went very nicely and he made it all the way to my living room. Maybe, I fancied him more than the other guy, maybe I liked him more too or maybe I just wasn’t prepared to go through this again, but he went from 6 out of 10 to a 9 in just a few minutes and a few pointers. 

Will I see him again… I hope so. I would love to take him all the way to the perfect 10. And for that, there is only one solution: more kissing practice is needed!!!